Waiting
by Inscriffany
Summary: Songfic to Tonic's "Waiting for the Light to Change"; takes place in 6th season, from Buffy's pov
1. Default Chapter

A/N Just a little ficlet from Buffy's POV last season after Willow brought her back.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" or subsequent characters. That belongs to Joss Whedon, UPN.and probably a bunch of other people that I'm forgetting. The song "Waiting for the Light to Change" belongs to the group Tonic. It can be found on their '99 album, "Sugar".  
  
Buffy Summers, resident Slayer of Sunnydale, California, lazily stirred her mocha latte as she sat alone at the Bronze. She wasn't sure how she ended up there exactly. One minute, she was out on patrol, the next, at the Bronze listening to some new band pour out their hearts. Buffy sighed and resigned herself to actually paying attention to the words. It wasn't like she had anything better to do anyway.  
  
Brazen is love's redeemer When you have so far to go It loves the true believer For the innocence they own   
  
The Slayer almost laughed aloud into her latte. She had certainly passed innocence long ago. Buffy didn't know when it happened, maybe when she had cost Angel his soul, or maybe earlier. All she knew was that, as clichéd as it sounded in her head, on the road of life, she had passed by the exit to innocence years ago.  
  
Life is good and life is grand When you're sitting on top of the world Life is good when it's in your hands And nobody can change your world  
  
Yeah, Buffy knew what it was like on the top of the world. She had experienced it once upon a time, back before she knew she was the Slayer, or what real life was. Back at Hemery, nothing bad could ever touch Buffy Summers. Cute and popular, with the jock star boyfriend, she had everything going for her. Until Merrick walked up to her on the school steps and changed her life forever. Suddenly, her life was not in her hands anymore and it seemed like everybody had the power to change it.  
  
I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting  
  
The band wasn't really as bad as she thought initially. At least their lyrics were pretty decent, and easy to relate to. She had felt that way for the last two or three months, ever since Willow pulled her out of Heaven. Everything had changed, yet somehow she felt like she was just doing the same thing over and over. Wake up, get through the day at Burger Palace, make sure Dawnie got her homework done, go on patrol, go to bed and do it all over again. Buffy had been 'waiting for the light to change' forever. Really, she had been waiting long before she died.  
  
All my prize possessions That I thought I needed so Dragged me down on a razor With a heaviness they tow   
  
If there was one thing that dying had taught her, it was that all the stuff she thought was important wasn't. Actually, looking back on it, Buffy supposed that she had learned that lesson before. When she had had to essentially renounce her friends after discovering who she was. Those things that had determined status in high school quickly found themselves at the bottom of Buffy's list of priorities.  
  
Always searching for a love that's in bloom It's a warm and soft embrace Hoping you'll never be lonely again It's a fear that you just can't face   
  
Buffy swallowed a lump in her throat. Wasn't that what she had been doing ever since Angel walked out of her life? First Parker, then Riley, and, here she shuddered, Spike. She couldn't believe she had sunk so low. But what was worse was that she didn't even have feelings for the neutered vamp. She was only using him as a vessel to pour all of her pain and anger into. And he took it. It would be one thing if he refused, but he never did. And for that, Buffy felt guiltier by the day.  
  
I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting   
  
Buffy pounded the table in frustration, causing the Bronzers around her to jump and stare in her direction. Buffy smiled, a light blush rising up her face. "Sorry," she muttered partially to herself, partially to the people around her. The Slayer was just tired of being stuck all the time and it pissed her off. Unfortunately, some of that anger got taken out on innocent furniture.  
  
Buffy stood up and leaned against the stairs, listening to the rest of the song. She didn't even notice when someone walked over and stood next to her, also listening to the lyrics.  
  
Life is good and life is grand When you're sitting on top of the world Life is good when it's in your hands And nobody can change your world  
  
I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting for the light to change I'm just waiting I'm just waiting I'm just waiting  
  
It wasn't until the song ended that Buffy saw the young man standing to her right. "Oz?"  
  
"Hmmm." The lycanthrope had never been much with words as Buffy well- remembered.  
  
"Yeah." She studied Oz for a moment, noting the hard lines on his face. Lines that hadn't been there before. He had clearly been through a lot in his absence. "Hey, Oz, want to sit and talk to me?" Buffy realized her voice was bordering on sounding needy, but she didn't care. She just wanted to talk to someone who didn't have a clue what was going on.  
  
Oz turned and looked at the Slayer as though surprised that she was standing next to him. "Buffy. Yeah, that'd be cool."  
  
A/N: Like I said, just a little ficlet. Please review if you feel so inclined. I might do one from Oz's POV too.or maybe I'll just write the conversation their going to have. Let me know what you want to see in your review. 


	2. Take Me as I am

A/N: It occurred to me that in all the time that Oz was on the show, we never learned much about his parents. Sure, we know he has a cousin Jory who bit him and turned him into a werewolf, and an Uncle Ken and an Aunt.aw, crud.what was her name again? Anyway, we have no clue who his parents were.I'm not really answering that question here, but a few things are implied.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" or subsequent characters; they all belong to Joss Whedon and UPN. The song "Take Me as I am" is by Tonic.  
  
It didn't take him long to find her. Sitting by herself, idly stirring her drink. 'Probably a mocha latte,' he mused to himself. What he found odd was the fact that the once vibrant Slayer was alone. In the years that Oz had known her, she had always been surrounded by her friends. Something must have happened to put that despondent look in her eyes. Only the deepest kind of pain could cause someone to have that look on her face. And Oz knew pain. He had experienced every kind of pain imaginable during his life, but he never said a word about it. They all wondered why he was 'stoic-guy', why he always seemed to take things as they came. It was just the way he was raised. The only life he had ever known was one where he couldn't say a word against anyone. To get emotional would have cost him his life.  
  
Oz shook his head to rid himself of the painful memories. He had moved past all of that. Instead, he walked over and stood next to Buffy, listening to the last lyrics of the song that the Bronze's newest venue was playing.  
  
Life is good and life is grand  
  
When you're sitting on top of the world  
  
Life is good when it's in your hands  
  
And nobody can change your world  
  
I'm just waiting for the light to change  
  
I'm just waiting for the light to change  
  
I'm just waiting for the light to change  
  
I'm just waiting for the light to change  
  
I'm just waiting  
  
I'm just waiting  
  
I'm just waiting  
  
I'm just waiting   
  
It wasn't until the song ended that Buffy saw the young man standing to her right. "Oz?"  
  
"Hmmm." The lycanthrope had never been much with words as Buffy well remembered.  
  
"Yeah." Oz felt, more than saw, Buffy studying him carefully. She probably saw the lines that now marred his face. Lines that hadn't been there before. "Hey, Oz, want to sit and talk to me?" Oz heard the neediness in the young woman's voice and his heart went out to her. He had never thought that he and Buffy had much in common, but it seemed that the one thing they shared was pain.  
  
Oz turned and looked at the Slayer as though surprised that she was standing next to him. "Buffy. Yeah, that'd be cool."  
  
"So, Oz, how have you been?" Buffy asked softly as they sat down at the table Buffy had been seated at earlier. "Where have you been?"  
  
"Here and there," Oz replied. "Trying to find a cure for this werewolf thing, you know."  
  
The band was starting a new song. Oz turned to face the stage for a moment, trying to get a feel for their sound. While they weren't the Dingoes, ok, they were better than the Dingoes, they had some pretty powerful lyrics.  
  
I never knew my father  
  
I never knew his pain  
  
With an empty home life  
  
Looking down again  
  
So when I feel like running  
  
I have to look inside  
  
I wanna find the answers  
  
I wanna break my life   
  
"Hmmm," he turned back to Buffy. "These guys are actually pretty good."  
  
"Yeah. Do you.relate at all to what they're singing?" Buffy asked this question with a little hesitation. She wasn't sure if she was getting too personal.  
  
Oz thought for a moment, listening to the lyrics. "I suppose. The part about running, for sure. I mean, that's what I've been doing for the last few years, isn't it?"  
  
Buffy nodded. "It's not your fault though. And God knows I've been doing my share of running too." She took a sip of her latte, enjoying the sweet flavor passing over her tongue.  
  
Fear falls down like rain  
  
And it makes me whole again  
  
Fear falls like rain   
  
"When you were gone, did you ever get scared?"  
  
Oz nodded firmly. "Oh yeah. You wanna know what I was frightened of the most?" He didn't wait for her to reply. "Losing you guys. See, I was so scared that the wolf would take over; that I wouldn't be able to control it one time and I would hurt you. That was why I left."  
  
"I know. It was really hard on Willow right after you left the first time. She tried a spell to have her will be done, but it went all wonky." Buffy smiled faintly, remembering. "Spike and I were engaged, if you can believe it."  
  
Oz raised an eyebrow, looking at the Slayer out of the corner of his eye.  
  
"Yeah, I know. You've missed a lot, being gone."  
  
He didn't miss the pain her voice. He reached over and placed his hand on top of hers. "Tell me about it."  
  
Buffy turned her attention to the band on stage. She wasn't sure that she could talk to him about everything that had happened since he left. But Oz had always been a fantastic listener, so she figured she could take a chance.  
  
Take me as I am  
  
I'm not broken  
  
Pieces of my life  
  
Are not tokens  
  
I wanna let you know  
  
I'm still learning  
  
How to love again  
  
And stop hurting   
  
"God, these lyrics really cut me to the quick," Buffy remarked. "I died again, you know."  
  
"Wow."  
  
Buffy chuckled. Leave it Oz to react like that. "Wow, Oz, that was almost an expression."  
  
"Yeah, well, what can I say? How did you die?"  
  
And so Buffy launched into her story. About finding out that Dawn was the Key, and Glory going after her friends and family. About her mom dying, and finally realizing what her guide had meant by 'death is your gift'. She told him about Willow bringing her back and the strain it had brought to all her relationships.  
  
"Sounds like they couldn't accept the fact that you were really gone. Kind of like when I left."  
  
"Yeah. It's like this song they're playing. They wouldn't take me as I am. I'm not just some toy that they can play with, to control my life like I'm a puppet on a string." Buffy paused, swallowing a lump in her throat. "And they don't know how hard it is. I've tried to forgive them, and I'm trying to learn to love them again, but it seems like the harder I try, the more that I can't."  
  
"You know, it took me a long time to learn how to love," Oz told her. "It wasn't until Willow and I were together that I realized how wonderful it can be. The place I grew up wasn't exactly overflowing with the stuff, if you know what I mean."  
  
Buffy stared at him in shock. Oz was so gentle, well, except for when he was a wolf, but she couldn't imagine him having a violent home life.  
  
Oz chuckled at the look on her face. "Yeah, hard to believe, I know. But I've moved on. That part of my life is in the past. It's part of the reason I was so afraid of causing you guys pain. I've read the statistics. Most people who come from abusive homes will end up being abusive themselves. And with the wolf inside me, there was no telling what I might do."  
  
I wanna roll my darkness  
  
Into a million suns  
  
I need to find forgiveness  
  
When all the pain is done  
  
I wanna hear I'm sorry  
  
I wanna let you go  
  
I have to find my own life  
  
I wanna learn to grow   
  
"So why did you come back?"  
  
"I guess I came back looking for forgiveness. And now that I've heard everything that's happened, I feel more guilty for leaving when you guys needed me."  
  
"Oz, look at me." She caught his gaze with her own. "None of that was your fault. You had things to figure out. We all understood why you left."  
  
"I just hate this darkness in me, Buffy. Sometimes I feel like the wolf has the control, not me."  
  
"I know. God, Oz, I know. I feel it in me too. Not the wolf, but the Slayer. I know I hold some degree of darkness in me, to go out every night and kill demons. And a part of me loves the thrill of the hunt. It's almost what I live for."  
  
Fear falls down like rain  
  
And it makes me whole again  
  
Fear falls like rain   
  
"I get scared sometimes that the dark part of me will take over one of these days," Oz confessed. "That I'll lose control and hurt someone."  
  
Take me as I am  
  
I'm not broken  
  
Pieces of my life  
  
Are not tokens  
  
I wanna let you know  
  
That I'm still learning  
  
How to love again  
  
And stop hurting   
  
"Oz, no matter what happens, you know that we're here for you, right? I mean, no matter what you could possibly do to hurt us, we will always accept you for who you are. We don't see you as the wolf full time, or even the majority of the time. To us, you're Oz. You-you, not wolf-you."  
  
And it makes me whole again   
  
That was all he really wanted. To be whole again. But something was standing in his way. He was afraid that he would always fight with this feeling of emptiness. Maybe it just came with having the wolf inside of him. Ironic, to be sharing his soul with that of a wolf and yet feel so bare.  
  
Take me as I am  
  
I'm not broken  
  
The pieces of my life  
  
Are not tokens  
  
I wanna let you know  
  
I'm still learning  
  
How to love again  
  
And stop hurting   
  
"I know, Buffy. And don't think that I don't appreciate it. But I think I have some more things to learn about being a werewolf. And about being Oz. I still haven't figured out where the line is."  
  
Buffy nodded. "So you're leaving again, then?"  
  
"Yeah. Tell Willow.tell her I'll be waiting for her and that she's always with me, wherever I go."  
  
"I will."  
  
They stood up and embraced tightly. "Goodbye, Buffy."  
  
"Bye, Oz." Buffy whispered into his ear before letting go. She felt a tear snake down her face as she watched him disappear into the night. She would always be saying goodbye to the ones that she loved.  
  
"Goodbye, Sunnydale," Oz whispered. He too felt a tear making tracks on his cheeks. He really hated saying goodbye. 


End file.
